MAKE AMERICA NICE AGAIN
MAKE AMERICA NICE AGAIN
Turns out, appealing to a nostalgic,
fictional past works wonders on the masses!
REBRAND THE NATION
My first executive order will be to rename the nation to the USAAB: the United States of America
Since we can’t seem to do much for the Refugees overseas, I say we
BRING THEM HERE!
As a seasoned narcoleptic, it's my duty to help raise awareness for this tragically misunderstood disorder.
reBRAND the nation
I've got just under 300 followers on my Sci-Fi Pinterest board.
STEP 1. NAME
My first executive order will be to rename the nation to the USAAB: the United States of America and Beyond.
It's time to take to THE STARS.
STEP 2. flag
The updated USAAB flag. I realized the stripes are inferior to the stars, so I swapped em out.
STEP 3. animal
I’ll sign an executive order that says every eagle is to be given a space-helmet. This is to prepare the species for when their time comes to join us in the heavens, soaring through the stars, acting as wise guides and swift messengers for our fleets.
(Eagle enjoys helmet)
(Park Ranger gives eagle first helmet)
(Eagle enjoys helmet)
"We need things that make us excited to be alive, that make us glad to wake up in the morning and be fired up about the future… and think, yeah! The future’s gonna be great! And you know, space exploration is one of these things.” - Elon Musk
REFUGE FOR REFUGEES
Me on my way to go pick up some refugees.
Willing war refugees get flown to a freshly built, mostly empty city in the USAAB.
I’m thinking 20,000-ish per city.
Give refugees a safe, peaceful life
(OPTIONAL) Offer opportunities for the refugees to learn English, gain an education, learn a trade, and eventually integrate into mainstream USAAB.
Refugees are assigned an adequate home + advisor to help them get settled.
Refugees given a monthly income allowance to cover basic needs.
The refugees will slowly replace the initial American city staff.
The now comfortable families will all have the opportunity to learn English and pursue advanced education - IF THEY WANT IT. These aren’t reeducation camps.
THE VOTING APP
It’s not social media, it’s not a messaging platform, it’s just a simple way to streamline democracy.
It's so simple, some wealthy critics argue it will allow too many idiots to vote.
It's got 4 main functions:
Register to Vote
Vote (City, State, National)
Customize your Profile
View Public Profiles
Menus are notoriously good.
Politicians can edit thier public profiles to be as simple or extravagant as they want.
*not Ted's actual email.
THE BIG ISSUE: 3 out of 4 narcoleptics DO NOT KNOW THEY ARE NARCOLEPTIC
Because our immune systems kill a special sleep-regulating chemical in our brains, we Narcos don’t get much real sleep. This leads to symptoms like cataplexy, excessive daytime sleepiness, sleep paralysis, sleep attacks, hallucinations, insomnia, and more!
Want details? See Gov brochure below.
We Feds will roll out a high-quality advertising campaign, equipped with key emotional pain points needed to move the masses.
WORDY INFORMATIONAL BROCHURE
Citizens will be given one week to read this wordy informational pamphlet. Failure to do so will result in a loss of Citizenship in the USAAB.
& MORE SOCIALISM
It's time we follow in Miley's footsteps,
let's make the best of both worlds.
MORE SOCIALISM - UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME
1000$ a month to every American citizen age 18+! Sounds good to me.
TBH I’m no economist, UBI could break American society as we know it, but it sounds like a great way to help out the lower-class American citizens, so I say we give it the old college try.
See my VP @andrewyang for more details.
MORE CAPITALISM - K-12 EDUCATION
It's time we in America actually started employing our sacred principle of capitalism in the places that matter most - THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN.
Teaching should be a PRIVILEGE! A prestigious, competitive, highly-lucrative career! When we think of money careers, we instantly think Business, Law, Medicine, and EDUCATION. If you aren’t smart, YOU DON’T GET A DEGREE.
I also hereby abolish Tenure. You know what they say - get woke or go broke.
MORE SOCIALISM - ALSO K-12 EDUCATION
For the above to work, we’re gonna have to shake up the way schools get funding. Currently, the majority of local funding comes from property tax, which is stupid because it means wealthy areas get better teachers.
NO MAS. The Federal Gov is gonna tax for the children & dish out some more cash.
MORE CAPITALISM - CLEAN ENERGY & ENVIRONMENTAL CONSERVATION
Capitalism is awesome because it breeds innovation like mad.
The USAAB is about to hardcore incentivize progress in CLEAN ENERGY & ENVIRONMENTAL CONSERVATION. The Gov will drop mad grants for research & development in these areas.
We will basically be offering companies money to help them make a lot of money.
MORE SOCIALISM - UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE OPTION
Abolishing all private healthcare companies would be a fiasco. Instead, business will now have the option to go with the Government’s plan.
MORE CAPITALISM - PRISON REFORM
Currently, the Fed gives private prisons X monies per prisoner. The more prisoners, the more money. Many criminalize private prisons because they assume private prisons must, in order to get more money, support mass incarceration.
However, I argue that fault actually lies with the GOVERNMENT, for the way they provide $.
The USAAB will now provide funding ONLY to the prisons that successfully help prisoners get better & change their lives. I’m talking good counseling, drug rehab, trade schools, colleges, and more.
The longer a prisoner stays out of the system & the better that prisoner does in society, the more money the prison makes. Prisons LOSE money for people who keep coming back (REALLY bad guys who just wanna stay bad will just be held in federal prisons).
This type of incentive will allow prisons to COMPETE to see who can most effectively help prisoners change their lives for the better.
MORE SOCIALISM - SAFETY > PRIVACY
Legal porn? Not my thing, but go for it. Have fun.
But illegal trafficking/child porn has got to go. Personally, I’m willing to give up some of my sacred ‘privacy’ to stop the nasties who prey on kids. It’s kinda a big problem RN.
If you aren’t, THEN WHAT ARE YOU HIDING??? I think we might want to take a second look at a lot of the folks out there screaming for increased privacy…
MORE SOCIALISM - GUNS…
Sorry boys, Assault Rifles are not welcome in the USAAB. I will destroy them or give them to the few remaining animals in nature, so they may defend themselves.
We need to stop pretending that the black powder rifles in colonial times are the same thing as the guns we have today.
Look at guns on a spectrum of ‘how much damage can this do?’ George W. wouldn't have been cool with peasants owning cannons, there wouldn’t be any need. An Assault Rifle is similarly dangerous and I SAY NO.
The above represent the political views of Chris the President. Chris the copywriter, however, holds more lucid views and is happy to forgo any principles, standards, or beliefs, should doing so assist him in obtaining professional occupation.